Easter Sunday

Today was Easter Sunday.  

Yesterday I realized that I hadn't published a post on here for over a year.

Tomorrow I will go teach a lesson that I have yet to fully plan.  

Tonight I should probably be planning and grading instead of writing, 
but writing is the release I need currently.  

I left church mid-service today.  I don't even know that you could call it mid-service.  I left about 10 minutes into it because I could not hold the tears back.  You see, for weeks now I have been asking where my life is going and wondering what it is that I should be doing.  I feel stagnant and dead in the water.  I am not touching lives and I most definitely have not been the picture of joy that I feel a Christian should be.  Yes, I believe we are to be real and things will not always be perfect, but I do believe we are to always hold high that Jesus is the light.  Furthermore, I believe that our weaknesses should shine His strength.  So, instead of talking with my mentor, my friends, my Savior.... I drove away.  I started my car, turned on Air1, and I drove to every house I had ever lived in during my time in Tahlequah beginning with the most recent first and ending with the home I felt closest to God in... the CCF girls house.  The next thing that I did will most definitely make you smile, disgust you, astound you, or amuse you.  I went to Dollar General and bought two different packages of chocolate candy bars, a 20 oz. Mountain Dew, and a pack of gum.  I decided against chips... though they were tempting.  I knew that I had to return to church so on my drive I ate two of the candy bars, had some Mountain Dew (I know... it doesn't go well with chocolate, but I didn't care.) and chewed two pieces of gum.  I arrived at church without tears in my eyes, the service was still in progress, and I could not manage a smile -- mission accomplished.  The smile was short lived, but I was no longer angry, frustrated, fearful, distant, or so many other things that I had been.  So I attended the discipleship small group that my church has after service.  We started these groups approximately two months ago, and to be honest I hated the idea of meeting and sharing with a medium sized group.  I am a one-on-one person, but much to my surprise it is this group time that I now look forward to the most.  It is such a blessing to hear the wonderful women in the group share their stories, challenges, and triumphs.  Today during the group time the ladies brought up that music often helps us remember the love that Christ has for us and what we are called to be as Christians.  I immediately was interested because music is something that I find very helpful when I am down.  I love the lyrics of meaningful songs.  I treasure the peace that comes when I crank up a song that is praising God.  My anthem as of late has been from a Colton Dixon song titled "You Are."   Here are a few of the lyrics: 

When I can't find the words
To say how much it hurts
You are the healing in my heart
When all that I can see
Are broken memories
You are the light that's in the dark

You are the song
You are the song I'm singing
You are the air
You are the air I breathe in
You are the hope
You are the hope I'm needin'
Whoa
You are

Taken from: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/coltondixon/youare.html

Colton's song energizes me to push on.  It tells me that I may struggle, but my God is bigger, better, and worth singing for no matter the cirucumstance.  That doesn't mean that I am always happy go lucky, but it does mean that I am always reminded of the hope that God had given us.  There have been many days, weeks, months of this past year I have felt exactly as the Red lyrics from the song "Hold Me Now" state:

Hold me now,
'Til the fear is leaving,
I am barely breathing.
Crying out,
These tired wings are falling,
I need you to catch me.

As I burn,
As I break,
I can't take it anymore.
I return to the place,
Where the water covers over everything.
Rescue me some how.

Taken from: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/red/holdmenow.html

This song takes me to the place where Jesus wants me to be... crying out and looking to Him.  All too often I try to do it on my own.  I need to see Him in all that I do.  I need to follow His lead.  He will take me where He wants and needs me to be if I will just pursue Him and be His willing vessel.  I need to be in His word more often and focusing on Him even when things seem so dim.  I could keep on discussing this, but I know you get the point.  I guess, I have just let myself become so stressed and tired.  I grade, I lesson plan, I clean, I keep house, I drive to Tahlequah, I rarely see my parents, I have commitments that I haven't kept, I am so unavailable to those who really need a friend, and so much more... but I can't feel sorry for myself.  I won't.  It just seems that all normalcy in my life has been stripped away, and today the straw broke this camels back.  I had to go drive and have my time with music that related to Him and reflect on the days past and the days to come, all while knowing that today was what mattered and I needed an attitude adjustment.  

So, this is for those of you who wondered what was going on today... In some ways this post barely scratches the surface, but I can't fathom putting all of the stuff out on the wonderful web of the world for all to see.  So, you know how to reach me if you want to know more.  :-p 

In the meantime, please be in prayer for my family, my future career and my willingness to listen, and for a special friend who has been on my heart and mind so often lately.

Until later.