I normally don't go for secular lyrics, but those are running through my head currently.
Have you ever wondered if a friendship was worth it? Have you ever wondered if the pain, hurt, and trials are truly outweighed by the good times and the joys? Sometimes for me it seems as if it would be so much easier to just walk the other way and not ever have to deal with that type of pain again, especially the pain that comes from unfairness or assumptions attributed to misunderstandings and poor communication. This type of pain hurts me the most. I would rather someone be intentional and hurt me than experience the afore mentioned pain.
Something happened tonight that brought all of this up. I bawled for well over an hour, but was it really worth it. I love this person so much, but the pain that comes from this type of thing hurts so badly. I truly could never walk away, but that idea is one that I can't get out of my head currently. She continues to apologize for what happened, but my heart isn't willing to forgive. I can't understand this as I have always been one who is fairly quick to forgive and let things go. I can't say I am quick to forget things, but I can let them go until a new problem arises. Then I typically assess whether they are connected and recurrent or whether it was just by chance that it happened again. I want to forgive her, and I want to be fine with the situation. I want to let go, but somehow I continue to hold on and to cry. I want to be fair to her, and I know I am not being right now. I want to explain myself to her, but that isn't even an option currently. My standards for being a friend are much different than most, and I have a hard time with this. I have stated before to her that we are just different as friends, and look at things differently. I don't want her to feel guilty for not doing what I would have done. Due to my background and life I tend to go running as soon as someone is upset and do as much as I can to fix it immediately. I was ready to run tonight. I was ready to drop all of the plans I had to go and help, but it seems that it was all for naught. When everything became okay on her end my end became a disaster due to a misunderstanding. Promises of things being okay were made, but I knew things were not okay and said as much. Things on my end were horrid. The tears, the pain, the confusing, the hurt. Nothing was done in light of this other than apologies. No offer of a conversation other than through text, even though I think being able to talk would have cleared the air and caused understanding on my end. I still don't understand even now hours later, but I am calmer.
It all has made me wonder how willing and truthful friends are when they state things, promise things, or even say something as simple as, "I miss you." Is there meaning behind these things? Is there a serious nature that is more than just a simple offer of hope in the moment? Will there be follow through with the promises? Or will they just become broken hopes? Is there heart behind the words spoken, or are those words simply ways to make life easier for the moment?
I know that many of my thoughts tonight did not reach this post, and I know that many of the thoughts that have passed through are self-centered and due to selfishness. I am human, and this is how I feel. It is, however, no excuse for the way I feel or the thoughts I am harboring. I am not looking for pity, but I do wish there were easy answers. I want things to be okay, but history has seemingly spoken and repeated its course.
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As a note: I write to release thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I use it as a way to think clearly, reason, and understand situations better. With that being said, I am okay for those of you wondering. I just needed to get this out. I think my blog still RSS's to Facebook and I would prefer this not end up there, but because it is going to I am going to tag some people. Know that this doesn't apply to you so much as it is just to let you in and see my heart and thoughts.
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